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Wednesday, February 4, 2009 Y 6:22 AM


If there is something that could describe what I'm going through right now, it will be like the temperature of Australia.

In the day time, when the sun is sunny and bright, my mood is like the warm temperature of 30 plus degree celsius, not too overly happy but definitely bright and shiny. Sometimes when it's real good, it goes up to really hot hot.

When it's at night though, it falls to to a minus degree celsius. It's almost frozen. I would feel so low that I will just cry and cry.

Just like on the train just now. I was having a cheerful facade in front of my cousins but I knew my mood was dropping already. I smsed Ken, hoping that he could reply me but there was no reply. I understand that he's busy and he wouldn't reply.

Being no one to really help me, I travelled back home alone in the MRT, fighting the urge to cry on the train and ruminating thoughts of death going in my heads.

Sometimes they echo so loud I wonder will people know I look miserable. I was just thinking of death. If I died, I will be relieved of everything. Should I just continue in my state of daze and walk back home, crossing the road without caring and waiting for the car to hit me. Whether I'm dead or not, I do wish to be consicious.

That's how strong it is, ruminating in my head as I travelled from CCK to Woodlands. All the time, I hope someone would come and talk to me and save me. All the time I hope Ken would call me or sms me. I don't dare to call him for I think he must be busy that's why he doesn't reply me. Heaven was kind, he sent an angel, someone I don't often see but is always there. I sms her in reply to the previous smses she sent me and she replied and I was really glad. For even though she was not here with me, I could tell someone that I'm feeling really terrible and I'm crying at night. I'm so glad Heaven sent her nice smses to me and help me keep away negative thoughts. Because of that, I survived the trip home and I told myself I will rush home and have a good cry and all will be okay.

Sometimes I really don't want to see my family, my bf, my close friends anymore. They are all moving on to somewhere and I'm not moving at all. I depised myself for not moving on and I want to move on, but the mood cycle just goes up and then down. I'm starting to think people think I'm a wimp, that my mom doesn't thinks that I have a problem, that my bf is tired of handling me and dealing with me anymore, that my friends are sick of hearing of me ruminating about the same old problems again. That's when I think I don't want to meet them or talk to them much anymore.

Working in a mental health setting once told me that people who are caregivers for the sick do get tired sometimes and don't wish to deal with the sick too but working in the mental health setting also told me that the sick sometimes can be on the wrong perspective of their caregivers too.

I'm really tired of the crying daily routine, it's really tiring to cry every day. Sometimes I don't even know why I cry.

Writing is rather therapeutic. Writing out my feelings. I was crying when I managed to rush home and I switched to writing and crying at the same time and somehow I managed to feel better. Perhaps it was because finally I talked to Ken and sweet CY was still smsing me. I felt better that knowing that there was support out there, somewhere.

I don't know how to end this post for I have managed to stop crying. Perhaps I should start learning to write letters and drop them in bottles and throw them away.





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