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Thursday, February 26, 2009 Y 10:16 AM


My friend can contact me everyday even when she is very busy but my BF is not able to contact me because he is very busy with alot of things.

I simply do not see the reason how someone can be so busy until cannot even have like 5 minutes to contact someone? That is just an excuse. When you give me shit, you are generally treating me like shit.

If I am really that important, I don't see how difficult 5 minutes is.

Something new that I have learned is that if you give me shit, I will give you shit back. I used to be not able to do that. I dunno whether I can do it now too but I have plenty of time on hand. First time in these few days I'm upset because of you.

So why do I bother treating you like a king when you are treating me like shit on days when you are so busy you couldn't afford a 5 minutes contact.

Sometimes, you are the cause of some unhappiness within me, that adds on to my crying when I'm upset about work. I guess it will just never stop although now I'm already seeking help. It never changes when the other party doesn't wants to change.

Sigh, I shall just learn to be those type of people that you ignore me I will also ignore you that type. I think life will be much happier if it's like that.


Y 10:16 AM


My friend can contact me everyday even when she is very busy but my BF is not able to contact me because he is very busy with alot of things.

I simply do not see the reason how someone can be so busy until cannot even have like 5 minutes to contact someone? That is just an excuse. When you give me shit, you are generally treating me like shit.

If I am really that important, I don't see how difficult 5 minutes is.

Something new that I have learned is that if you give me shit, I will give you shit back. I used to be not able to do that. I dunno whether I can do it now too but I have plenty of time on hand. First time in these few days I'm upset because of you.

So why do I bother treating you like a king when you are treating me like shit on days when you are so busy you couldn't afford a 5 minutes contact.

Sometimes, you are the cause of some unhappiness within me, that adds on to my crying when I'm upset about work. I guess it will just never stop although now I'm already seeking help. It never changes when the other party doesn't wants to change.

Sigh, I shall just learn to be those type of people that you ignore me I will also ignore you that type. I think life will be much happier if it's like that.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009 Y 7:21 AM


什么叫做宅男宅女?就是那些成天躲在家里,听听音乐,看看书,玩玩电脑,不怎么出去交际的人。就是我了。我就是一个名副其实的宅女。





Sunday, February 22, 2009 Y 4:10 AM


I got to do a quiz and I realised the results are rather accurate.


Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:


You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.


The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.


What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.


Y 4:10 AM


I got to do a quiz and I realised the results are rather accurate.


Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:


You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.


The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.


What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.


Y 3:49 AM


In this period, where time was really tough for me, I learned a few things. The world is harsh and you don't get kindness, so you have to toughen up yourself to deal with it. However, no matter how tough the world is, nothing is important than yourself, loving yourself, your health and everything about you.

No matter how cruel the world is, you still need to love yourself. We can also toughen ourseleves up to deal with unreasonable work demands, hateful people, a terrible environment but we must not lose ourselves to those things. I've come to learn that no matter how I much I convince myself or force myself to do certain things, I will not be happy or loving myself as I know those are things that I cannot do.

Yes, I must be strong but through it, I must also love myself. It has come to a point whereby I have force myself to go on at the expense of my health and now, it's time to slow down and learn to relearn new things again at a slower pace.

It's time to slow down for me and explore what I'm interested in. Pick up new habits or old habits which is good for me. Although sitting in front of the computer maybe deemed not constructive to others, but at least I'm back to it again. Last time, I don't even bother going to online forums or watching animes anymore as I lost my interest. Now I picked it up again and I can tell you, I'm really very happy as I enjoy it.

I picked up playing online games and I enjoy it. I picked up some form of exercise and I enjoyed it. I love what I enjoy and I'm not going to be bothered by what others say. That is what I learned through this period. I'm not working now and I'm going to do some part time job and I don't care what others comment.

I need to learn to love myself then I can love others again. So, love yourself and nothing beats loving yourself.


Y 3:49 AM


In this period, where time was really tough for me, I learned a few things. The world is harsh and you don't get kindness, so you have to toughen up yourself to deal with it. However, no matter how tough the world is, nothing is important than yourself, loving yourself, your health and everything about you.

No matter how cruel the world is, you still need to love yourself. We can also toughen ourseleves up to deal with unreasonable work demands, hateful people, a terrible environment but we must not lose ourselves to those things. I've come to learn that no matter how I much I convince myself or force myself to do certain things, I will not be happy or loving myself as I know those are things that I cannot do.

Yes, I must be strong but through it, I must also love myself. It has come to a point whereby I have force myself to go on at the expense of my health and now, it's time to slow down and learn to relearn new things again at a slower pace.

It's time to slow down for me and explore what I'm interested in. Pick up new habits or old habits which is good for me. Although sitting in front of the computer maybe deemed not constructive to others, but at least I'm back to it again. Last time, I don't even bother going to online forums or watching animes anymore as I lost my interest. Now I picked it up again and I can tell you, I'm really very happy as I enjoy it.

I picked up playing online games and I enjoy it. I picked up some form of exercise and I enjoyed it. I love what I enjoy and I'm not going to be bothered by what others say. That is what I learned through this period. I'm not working now and I'm going to do some part time job and I don't care what others comment.

I need to learn to love myself then I can love others again. So, love yourself and nothing beats loving yourself.


Thursday, February 12, 2009 Y 7:35 PM


2 little wallpapers I did for a friend whose leaving.










Which one do you like more?


Y 7:35 PM


2 little wallpapers I did for a friend whose leaving.










Which one do you like more?


Wednesday, February 4, 2009 Y 6:22 AM


If there is something that could describe what I'm going through right now, it will be like the temperature of Australia.

In the day time, when the sun is sunny and bright, my mood is like the warm temperature of 30 plus degree celsius, not too overly happy but definitely bright and shiny. Sometimes when it's real good, it goes up to really hot hot.

When it's at night though, it falls to to a minus degree celsius. It's almost frozen. I would feel so low that I will just cry and cry.

Just like on the train just now. I was having a cheerful facade in front of my cousins but I knew my mood was dropping already. I smsed Ken, hoping that he could reply me but there was no reply. I understand that he's busy and he wouldn't reply.

Being no one to really help me, I travelled back home alone in the MRT, fighting the urge to cry on the train and ruminating thoughts of death going in my heads.

Sometimes they echo so loud I wonder will people know I look miserable. I was just thinking of death. If I died, I will be relieved of everything. Should I just continue in my state of daze and walk back home, crossing the road without caring and waiting for the car to hit me. Whether I'm dead or not, I do wish to be consicious.

That's how strong it is, ruminating in my head as I travelled from CCK to Woodlands. All the time, I hope someone would come and talk to me and save me. All the time I hope Ken would call me or sms me. I don't dare to call him for I think he must be busy that's why he doesn't reply me. Heaven was kind, he sent an angel, someone I don't often see but is always there. I sms her in reply to the previous smses she sent me and she replied and I was really glad. For even though she was not here with me, I could tell someone that I'm feeling really terrible and I'm crying at night. I'm so glad Heaven sent her nice smses to me and help me keep away negative thoughts. Because of that, I survived the trip home and I told myself I will rush home and have a good cry and all will be okay.

Sometimes I really don't want to see my family, my bf, my close friends anymore. They are all moving on to somewhere and I'm not moving at all. I depised myself for not moving on and I want to move on, but the mood cycle just goes up and then down. I'm starting to think people think I'm a wimp, that my mom doesn't thinks that I have a problem, that my bf is tired of handling me and dealing with me anymore, that my friends are sick of hearing of me ruminating about the same old problems again. That's when I think I don't want to meet them or talk to them much anymore.

Working in a mental health setting once told me that people who are caregivers for the sick do get tired sometimes and don't wish to deal with the sick too but working in the mental health setting also told me that the sick sometimes can be on the wrong perspective of their caregivers too.

I'm really tired of the crying daily routine, it's really tiring to cry every day. Sometimes I don't even know why I cry.

Writing is rather therapeutic. Writing out my feelings. I was crying when I managed to rush home and I switched to writing and crying at the same time and somehow I managed to feel better. Perhaps it was because finally I talked to Ken and sweet CY was still smsing me. I felt better that knowing that there was support out there, somewhere.

I don't know how to end this post for I have managed to stop crying. Perhaps I should start learning to write letters and drop them in bottles and throw them away.


Y 6:22 AM


If there is something that could describe what I'm going through right now, it will be like the temperature of Australia.

In the day time, when the sun is sunny and bright, my mood is like the warm temperature of 30 plus degree celsius, not too overly happy but definitely bright and shiny. Sometimes when it's real good, it goes up to really hot hot.

When it's at night though, it falls to to a minus degree celsius. It's almost frozen. I would feel so low that I will just cry and cry.

Just like on the train just now. I was having a cheerful facade in front of my cousins but I knew my mood was dropping already. I smsed Ken, hoping that he could reply me but there was no reply. I understand that he's busy and he wouldn't reply.

Being no one to really help me, I travelled back home alone in the MRT, fighting the urge to cry on the train and ruminating thoughts of death going in my heads.

Sometimes they echo so loud I wonder will people know I look miserable. I was just thinking of death. If I died, I will be relieved of everything. Should I just continue in my state of daze and walk back home, crossing the road without caring and waiting for the car to hit me. Whether I'm dead or not, I do wish to be consicious.

That's how strong it is, ruminating in my head as I travelled from CCK to Woodlands. All the time, I hope someone would come and talk to me and save me. All the time I hope Ken would call me or sms me. I don't dare to call him for I think he must be busy that's why he doesn't reply me. Heaven was kind, he sent an angel, someone I don't often see but is always there. I sms her in reply to the previous smses she sent me and she replied and I was really glad. For even though she was not here with me, I could tell someone that I'm feeling really terrible and I'm crying at night. I'm so glad Heaven sent her nice smses to me and help me keep away negative thoughts. Because of that, I survived the trip home and I told myself I will rush home and have a good cry and all will be okay.

Sometimes I really don't want to see my family, my bf, my close friends anymore. They are all moving on to somewhere and I'm not moving at all. I depised myself for not moving on and I want to move on, but the mood cycle just goes up and then down. I'm starting to think people think I'm a wimp, that my mom doesn't thinks that I have a problem, that my bf is tired of handling me and dealing with me anymore, that my friends are sick of hearing of me ruminating about the same old problems again. That's when I think I don't want to meet them or talk to them much anymore.

Working in a mental health setting once told me that people who are caregivers for the sick do get tired sometimes and don't wish to deal with the sick too but working in the mental health setting also told me that the sick sometimes can be on the wrong perspective of their caregivers too.

I'm really tired of the crying daily routine, it's really tiring to cry every day. Sometimes I don't even know why I cry.

Writing is rather therapeutic. Writing out my feelings. I was crying when I managed to rush home and I switched to writing and crying at the same time and somehow I managed to feel better. Perhaps it was because finally I talked to Ken and sweet CY was still smsing me. I felt better that knowing that there was support out there, somewhere.

I don't know how to end this post for I have managed to stop crying. Perhaps I should start learning to write letters and drop them in bottles and throw them away.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009 Y 9:50 AM


The gap between us is getting wider and wider. Each of us chasing after different dreams (do i have dreams in the first place?).

Is this what I want?

One things solved slowly at a time. Just not sure whether the person after everything is the person that used to be. It may be a totally different person, no longer how it was before.

After everything, will I still be the same old me? Or will I be different?

The gap is being widen bigger and bigger as you become more sure of things and I become more lost and confused.

Sometimes people drift apart because of dreams....especially people who slide backwards in dreams. I feel like I'm sliding backwards now.

Is this the same person who will go thru thick and thin with me? I don't know. Perhaps the me after recovery will never be the same anymore, someone with probably a different thinking or attitude, someone who may not be the same person that you have fallen in love with.

What you may love is probably the me 2 years ago, not the me that has changed overtime, probably not the me now who certainly do not fit your expectations. (Of course this is just a hypothesis, a form of imaginative linguistic articulation, copying lines from a new movie I just saw.)

Recovery is of upmost important now. Whether people who love me will standby me to go thru thick and thin with me or people who turn around on me and find that I'm not what they expected, I shall learn not to care too much and worry myself with even more things.

I think I have developed a sense of being over suspicious and doubting towards people nowadays. The trust in me no longer there, ever towards people close to me. It is extremely difficult to live and bear with such people, on account I worked with these type of people before.

Bear with me, for I'm working towards recovery. I shall be very thankful to (whatever that is that I believe in spiritually) that I'm still alive, and have not gone to anywhere else besides human life on Earth. I'm thankful to my faint heart that is not exactly that faint but still have some strong desire to live. I'm thankful to people for being supportive and bearing with me. I'm thankful to myself that I took initiative.

Perhaps the gap between us is wider now but it is up to us to work it out.

After I sat down and written a load of things, I realised, I actually didn't know what I was writing about although I felt things but couldn't really convey it.

I have lost the interest to blog and whatever I say here, is some attempt to grasp what I feel and try to put it down overtly.

When things become meaningless to you, what do you do?

When you realised that people around you are all moving forward but you aren't and you really don't want to be stuck, what do you do?

When you realised that the person you love is someone who hates people who doesn't move forward and would never want to start a family with someone like that, and possibly that you will end up somewhere else, what do you do?

I am not contented with just what I have now, but if this thing doesn't get past me, I will never be able to recover and move forward.

My thoughts are really random and I couldn't structure it properly.

Perhaps, that's what you see when you read someone crazy writing things down.


Y 9:50 AM


The gap between us is getting wider and wider. Each of us chasing after different dreams (do i have dreams in the first place?).

Is this what I want?

One things solved slowly at a time. Just not sure whether the person after everything is the person that used to be. It may be a totally different person, no longer how it was before.

After everything, will I still be the same old me? Or will I be different?

The gap is being widen bigger and bigger as you become more sure of things and I become more lost and confused.

Sometimes people drift apart because of dreams....especially people who slide backwards in dreams. I feel like I'm sliding backwards now.

Is this the same person who will go thru thick and thin with me? I don't know. Perhaps the me after recovery will never be the same anymore, someone with probably a different thinking or attitude, someone who may not be the same person that you have fallen in love with.

What you may love is probably the me 2 years ago, not the me that has changed overtime, probably not the me now who certainly do not fit your expectations. (Of course this is just a hypothesis, a form of imaginative linguistic articulation, copying lines from a new movie I just saw.)

Recovery is of upmost important now. Whether people who love me will standby me to go thru thick and thin with me or people who turn around on me and find that I'm not what they expected, I shall learn not to care too much and worry myself with even more things.

I think I have developed a sense of being over suspicious and doubting towards people nowadays. The trust in me no longer there, ever towards people close to me. It is extremely difficult to live and bear with such people, on account I worked with these type of people before.

Bear with me, for I'm working towards recovery. I shall be very thankful to (whatever that is that I believe in spiritually) that I'm still alive, and have not gone to anywhere else besides human life on Earth. I'm thankful to my faint heart that is not exactly that faint but still have some strong desire to live. I'm thankful to people for being supportive and bearing with me. I'm thankful to myself that I took initiative.

Perhaps the gap between us is wider now but it is up to us to work it out.

After I sat down and written a load of things, I realised, I actually didn't know what I was writing about although I felt things but couldn't really convey it.

I have lost the interest to blog and whatever I say here, is some attempt to grasp what I feel and try to put it down overtly.

When things become meaningless to you, what do you do?

When you realised that people around you are all moving forward but you aren't and you really don't want to be stuck, what do you do?

When you realised that the person you love is someone who hates people who doesn't move forward and would never want to start a family with someone like that, and possibly that you will end up somewhere else, what do you do?

I am not contented with just what I have now, but if this thing doesn't get past me, I will never be able to recover and move forward.

My thoughts are really random and I couldn't structure it properly.

Perhaps, that's what you see when you read someone crazy writing things down.





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