Friday, January 23, 2009 Y 6:42 AM
This is perhaps a really bad start to a whole new year. A personal burn out issue was not enough.
2 days before CNY, I received the news that my paternal grandmother passed away. She was found dead at home, and her body was already decomposing. How long it was that she had died, I did not know.
What saddens me is that the way she had died. She passed away quietly at home, alone, withouth anyway to seek help, without people knowing. I always weep in my heart when I read in the news about elderly passing away in such a manner. Never did I expect that it occurs to someone that is related to me.
Although I was never closed to her, I felt terribly guilty, knowing that she had to pass away in such loneliness. I felt very depressed knowing that, perhaps I'm also in a very depressed mood and this had only further add on to the sadness.
I felt that I could had at least visited her before she passed away. I was supposed to help her read a letter but I always forgot about it and I haven't help her do it. I felt terribly guilty for not fulfilling my promise.
It's even worser that it's over CNY, so her funeral had to be shortened in mere 2 days. If we had discovered earlier, we wouldn't had to rush it over.
Sigh.....................................
Monday, January 12, 2009 Y 10:33 PM
I'm sitting down here, thinking of how I should pen down this entry....more accurately, type down this entry. Been feeling something weird for some months. I can't put down to it what it is exactly. I thought I was happy when I changed a new work environment, something to help me move away from feelings of burn out and dejection in my previous work place.
Few months of settling down and getting use to the work, no longer feeling the need to come home to lie down and sleep everyday, i started feeling those weird feelings again. I'm tired of work, more per say as work related to patient load. I thought I love seeing my elderly patients but now I feel that I'm so lack of interest and tired, I don't look forward to seeing them anymore.
I can't sleep at night....and when I do fall asleep it's wee hours of the morning....and I couldn't get up in day....feeling very tired at work and trying to make jokes and maintain that cheerful facade in front of everyone but when I'm at home, I feel so tired that I lost interest in doing my usual things. I used to love surfing forums and replying on it...now I don't bother. I used to love watching animes on my com but now I lose interest in them too.
I even had lesser appetite, use to eat alot but now eating lesser. I disliked going to work, because I know I had to do the same old thing again which I didn't like. What happened? I thought I enjoy working with elderly, talking to them, giving them treatment. I was very happy a few months, and then suddenly, it became like that? Is that burn out? I couldn't be having burnout after a short while in new environment. Could it be that I have yet to recover from the burn out I felt at my previous work setting?
Could it be that I don't even like OT work despite that I claimed I like it alot?
What makes me surviving and trying to hang on is the salary itself, because without it, I'm eating peanuts. However, it has gone to such a fine thin line that I think I might break it anytime soon. It is that bad till I want to leave my workplace and simply rest, do something brainless, get away from that job desperately.
Was it that I missed my social support that I had at my workplace? Or was it I am really sick of OT work? Is it time I really should rest and go away?
I'm very tired, really very tired. Sometimes I feel like just going up to my boss and tell him that I need a long leave to recover from this psychological barrier.
