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Friday, December 30, 2005 Y 6:54 AM

Okie I 'fessed up that I cried last nite at 1.15am but it was short...say about 15 mins? Managed to calm myself down and rethink of my behavior. Today was great so far...yepz though a lil emotional when I went to watch The Family Stone but it was okie =).

I had a rather great day today...considering the fact that I finished my lunch and ate dinner and breakfast too =). I got a nice bangle from my student =). I finally finished taking a student successfully =).

I had a crazy impulse to do something to my hair...to go for a new look...then again I didn't want to cut it short...I wanna grow it long...guess I juz have to be patient...well no doubt I do look horrible now but tat's all I can do.

I went to catch The Family Stone. It was a really nice movie. Simple and nice. Feel so sad for Sarah Jessica Parker when she said "Nobody loves me". I kinda feel that way too...not referring to my friends or family. I feel like nobody really loves me or know how to appreciate me. Tat explains why I'm always ditched or not cared for in a relationship?

Back to the movie, I was quite intrigued by the part where Diane Keaton said she wished that all her sons were gay so that they wouldn't leave her. Imagine how happie the gays and lesbians are if all their parents are like that? I dun supposed I will wished for my son to be gay but it's his choice whether he wants to be hetero or homo. You just can't force someone to love.

Oh yeah, did I tell you that Azi gave me a duck? I was really so happie to get it. She bought it to cheer me up. I'm still very tempted to get the cute lil tortoise to cheer myself up but it's kinda like weird to give myself stuff toys...sigh...no guys ever gave me stuff toys except for CL and that was because of graduation gift (which someone gave him the idea and he's not exactly the person I wanna receive a gift from). Like quite pathetic to be always give myself stuff toys rite? I always buy it for myself sigh...really a sad case yeah.

Perhaps I'm really condemned. I'm condemned that I look attached when I'm very single and and available. I'm condemned that I'm not a person who like flowers or soft toys or cute little things. Which part of my face has all that written on it? Since when my trademark was being independent and can survive on my own w/o being pampered? And till now, I still find it funny that most ppl or rather everyone who knows me says that I'm strong? And then again, ppl say I'm very girlish....how to be girlish and strong and independent at the same time?

And the worse thing is, I looked into the mirror and I find myself looking uglier and uglier...gee...that is real bad. Can someone lie to me and say that I'm pretty? I'm lying to myself now. Oh, and my patients, are lying to me too.

Thursday, December 29, 2005 Y 2:59 AM

I woke up this morning with the determination to get over him. He has really given me a tight slap..said he will call me to talk to me but in the end, he didn't. Guess it goes to show how much he doesn't give a shit to this relationship actually.

So why bother with him rite? Okie I'm still feeling a lil crappy...but i'm eating, sleeping and smiling too. Yes I do feel down at times but I'm over crying. No more shedding of tears for a worthless guy.

I believe I can stand in front of him and give him a tight slap back rather than weeping. I'm looking forward to get back my life. Imagine time and tears I have sacrificed for the past 5 months.

Yes, I still need support from friends. I can't bear to stay at home and I need to talk whenever I feel those crappy moods again.

And it's time for you all to do your job now...get ready to introduce new guys to me =)

I'm ready to give up that jerk and move on with life...to find the one that really belongs to me and will take real good care of me...one that cares about the relationship and treats me well.

No doubt, I still need time to recover but I'm getting geared up to do it. Blessed me with all the courage!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 Y 2:21 AM

I'm now experiencing lost of sleep, appetite and lots of tears. So bad till I'm down with gastric, panda and swollen eyes.

Sigh, I know it's not worth it to be suffering from all these for this person but I also din know that this is what I will be experiencing. I nv knew that this person really meant that much to me either.

This morning I went to see a doctor for gastric and I ended up crying in her room cuz she was trying to ask me what happened. It was pretty funny to c my doc being so concerned about me. She was really patient and kind. Funny thing that now I also have to take the medication that my patients are taking for better sleep and mood.

It's really difficult not to experience those depressive episodes. One moment, I could be happy and then when I hear certain songs or see certain shows, tears will just dropped uncontrollably. It's even worse when I hear my frens showering concern for me. I really feel bad that I have to make them worry for me, text or call me often to check on me, or even coming over to my house just to force me eat.

Glad that my mom dunno, else she will be loading me with food and love and that will make me cry even more. I guess I will have to tell her soon. All those lost of interest in food and leisure sure would ring a bell some day when she is not working full shift, and has tons of time at home to notice it.

It only just bug me more to c that my friends could love me that much and some people dun even care about it. It's not easy to stand up again and I truly now understand how DeDe felt that time.

I truly do believe also that you will only start to trust love again when someone special touched your heart and show desire to care about you again. Till then, I wun know how long it will takes to come or who will come but it's gg to be a long winter, least that will be in my heart.

Well I know ppl have been telling me that it's not my lost in this relationship but then again, you are my friends, you would obviously stand up for me. I dun deny that it does helps me to feel more positive and I love hearing that =)

Once again, thanks to my friends that are willing to share their love with me. Thanks to their partners who feel happy for me. I will try my best to move on and dun disappoint you all but also bear with me my little episodes because it's really not easy for me to let it go just like that.

Waiting for Azi to come my house now. Seriously, it doesn't helps to be an only child when you have traumas and you need a shoulder to cry on. I miss times in Australia now.

Sunday, December 25, 2005 Y 9:00 AM

This Christmas, I lost my heart and tears. Christmas is always special but this year it was really painful.

After 5 months, I just realised that I was never been loved b4. I feel silly that I had been falsefully hopeful and committed myself into something that was juz a mirage.

Hurt has nv been so deep within me b4. I only wished that I can turned back time and that everything nv ever happened.

Now, it's time to move on and be strong. Bless me with strength, my dear friends =). Pray that I will ever be happie.

Friday, December 23, 2005 Y 8:04 PM

Christmas Eve Mood: Sad

Sighed, I really had a very bad Friday night and a Sat morning. Feeling dejected and hopeless. I dun want to inject hope anymore.

Hurt is a serious wound and takes time to heal.

Christmas is coming so let me share with you two of my favourite xmas songs =)

You shall first hear "Last Christmas".

Thursday, December 22, 2005 Y 7:13 AM

About anger
Do I have a anger problem? I seemed to be getting angry very easily nowadays. Having less tolerance for certain ppl and issues.

I'm been getting angry everyday, over matters that I think it's not necessary to be angry at all. Maybe it's really time to make a change in my life?

I need to learn anger management techniques. This anger seeping inside me is burning within me and affecting my life.

What is really the cause of this anger? Perhaps I should removed the antecedent? I do know what is the antecedent though and it is another problem that I have to deal with.

It is really important when it comes to attitudes. Attitudes can really determined the way you function. It's kinda wrenching to work with people whom are just contented with the way things work and do not bother to venture out.
Why are people so weird? Why do we have to segregate what is yours and what is mine? We belong to one body and we should work with a common goal. Politics is something that I really dun like to participate in but have been drag into the whirlpool unknowingly.

Some ppl juz are so insensitive to feelings. Failing to observe what people behave and say, and they speak tactlessly. That really hurts when someone is insensitive to how you feel.
Some ppl are juz not born with high EQ and is this a fact that can't be change? I truly belive EQ is something that you can build it within yourself if you are willing to spend efforts on it. However, being in this competitive society, what exists in the eyes of people are not feelings and emotions but rather work and money.
True enough that work is part of an important occupation in our life but that does not imply that emotions and feelings are not. If I looked back at what I studied, your emotions and feelings are components that will allow you to function better in your occupational areas i.e work, self care and leisure.
If you are not even in touch with your feelings, how could you learn how to care for others and love others?
I seriously think I'm too in touch with my feelings till I'm oversensitive. I get hurt by every lil insensitive words or actions that ppl do esp if that person is really important to me.
If there is a word to describe what I feel now, I feel like a pithole. Dark and deep. Dark with anger, deep with hurt.
Do I expect too much? Am I too hopeful? Was I too softhearted? Am I irritating? Too many questions in my head. Is it a problem that I think too much? Am I supposed to think lesser? If you want me to think lesser, then I might as well give up since I'm not bothered to provide my input anymore.
Been having fun at work these two days. Sang carols for the patients yesterday and tomorrow will also be singing to our patients. I was real touched that the patients enjoyed our performance =)

Also rehearsed for the skit that KY wrote for OT concert. It was really funny and I have to act some stupid actions...acting as male then female. Gonna get role confusion =p

Had been shopping around for my own things and xmas gifts for ppl. It's really fun shopping for gifts. It's some sort of retail therapy for stress management and at the same time, you are spending time wondering about what things you would buy for your loved ones.

You don't get to do that too often, just once or twice in a year. I meant massive shopping for people.

Hopefully the wkend will be filled with colors...bright colors rather than red or black or dark colors. I need an uplift of my mood =)

Monday, December 19, 2005 Y 6:00 AM

Wkend was really tiring...woke up at 7 plus in the morning on Sat...juz naturally woke up that early..couldn't get back to bed.

Went to UOB bank to set up my new acc =)...now I'm awaiting for my UOB mini debit and mini VISA card....plus also awaiting for citibank card.

Went to Causeway to shop around...bought a new fone and Avene pdts. Then rushed home to put down my stuff and went out again to mit Kris they all for dinner. 1st time we are meeting tog with him...him to discuss his plan with Kris while DeDe and me...hmmm sit ard and look like flowers.

We went shopping after tat and hang around till 11.30pm. Sigh, and being the insensitive workaholic him, he left me to take public transport home. Sigh, after that I was really disappointed and upset with him. Till now, Í still feel uncomfortable to speak to him.

Am I being petty for such a small thing? I really dunno...I wasn't hoping to be dumped alone to go back...and I kept wondering if he wasn't there to meet Kris, wud he even had gave that time to me? Possibly no.

Sunday went to collect my ipod! Wee...it's so slim and compact! And guess wat? I forgot to switch it off today and it was running for ten hours but the battery is still 3/4 full! Amazing!!!

After I collected my ipod, I went to PS to shop with CY. Bought 2 pairs of flats at URS...kinda like wat I bought...with comments from CY =)

Went to Magic Wok with my welfare colleagues today to have our end year dinner. Still gotta be in welfare committee for another 6 more months. 6 more months of being treasurer...hate dealing with the money but hmm, no one wants to take over the job.

Can't wait for wkend to come again!

Friday, December 16, 2005 Y 4:39 PM

Went for Dept Dinner on Friday nite.

It was at Toa Payoh Sakura, within Kbox. The food was great! $26 for alot of food in the buffet and the food is nice too =).

We had lotsa fun, crowning the king/queen/prince/princess =). We also had fun playing the gift exchange game. In the end, everyone exchange their gifts ard for something better till I got a lousy apple bowl!!!! I swapped it with my HA for a glass rose instead...really can't think of anything to do with that bowl.

Bowls are not my interest =p

Played games with the other OTs too...hee hee...quite funnie to c us playing the thumb guessing games and eating ice cream as a forfeit.

Oh yeah, gotten payslip yesterday =). Got bonus already! Whopee!!! Gg to set up a new account at UOB then.

Alrite larhs, got to go bathe and go to UOB. Then still got to wait for a delivery from CGH pharmacy. Prolly do some shopping too. What a nice day it is =)

Monday, December 12, 2005 Y 6:08 AM

It's all about OT Day...OT Day Volunteers Event...OT Day Dinner...OT Day Public Forum...OT Day Celebration...OT Carnival...OT Concert.

I am so so so tired of OT Day and it's respective events. 3/4 of my work centred on OT Day now...dun even have time to revise my own program.

Did my interim appraisal today and Boss said...I know you are really busy and tired from OT Day...but I also dun want to see you suffer with your flu...like I can take mc to rest like tat...stupid HR will then go on about the 7 days policy thingy.

Another OT Day Com Meeting today...then it will be followed by my own dept meeting on OT Day then my dept OT concert meeting on Thursday...then council meeting on OT day next Tuesday...this is gg to be neverending.

I hate to talk about work but work is 3/4 of what I do now...I want to be the OT that can relax after 5.30pm...please let January 11th comes soon!

Sunday, December 11, 2005 Y 7:49 AM

Ever felt like this b4? Like as if you are lost and confused...dunno how you feel about someone anymore?

Ever felt like this where you quarrelled so hard to make things work and when the other party is trying to make attempts, you started backing away?

Tat's how I feel now...I'm backing away...loaded with too many questions from others and with no answers from me and him...

The solution: back away from him till I know wat I feel and want.

It's surprising that I dun feel upset or angry...in fact peaceful about the decision. Juz felt more confused after spending last nite with him. Really dunno wat my feelings are towards him. I can't be with someone whom I dunno wat my feelings for him truly are.

Sorry dear, but try to understand me okie? I need time to find my feelings and myself. I promised I will be fair to give u a decisive answer...whether it's a yes or no...it will be the answer.

Y 5:03 AM

Stayed over at Dar's house yesterday nite =)

Watched SkyHigh with him but unfortunately as I was having a running nose, I have to retire to bed early. Dar was nice enough to make the panadol drink for me but it didn't seem to have much effect.

Went bowling with CY, SY and XW today. Ate at Sakae and for once, I didn't find sushi that repulsive. Kinda enjoyed what I ate =). SY and CY are real funnie, really made a real nice couple together. Guess they were so into making fun of XW about....heh heh...thou shall not reveal.

Bowling sux...I meant I sux haha....67 to 58 points in total...eeks...really getting from bad to worse...I think I need to brush on it more....sobx...it was lousy )=

All in all, I enjoyed myself for the wkend. Looking forward to the next wkend. Work is really not something that I look forward to now given that I have so much things to finish up b4 the next OT day. Eeks!!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 Y 5:00 AM

I am really really really very very very tired today. Never ever attempt to teach communication skills, teach people to sing "Colors of the Wind", teach people to cook and host a logistics meeting in one day.

Conclusion: No energy left to do my inservice.

Yesterday, for once, I really slept and was unaware of whatever that happened. Dar complained that I didn't reply his msgs...haha finally his turn.

Today, it will be the same. Great, inservice not completed...so dead tmr )=

Sunday, December 4, 2005 Y 4:36 AM

I loved Chicken Little!!!

Watched the movie already...really really farnie and cute =D

Saturday, December 3, 2005 Y 5:25 AM

I went out with XW today. Went to have a real nice lunch at Pepper something...can't rem..it's at Lido basement area there.

I drilled her with every questions I could think of and now I'm satisfied with the answeres =D

Also made her bought a new watch...haha...

I bought Missha rosewater facial wash and non comedogenic serum...heh heh...and organics shampoo too =p

And when I got home, Dar text me and said his gran wants him to play mj with her...so which means...he is gg to cancel our date again. Well...i really have nothing to say now...

So now, it's a real boring stay home Sat nite for me...and I'm c/o to Kris online now...sigh...I wish I have a more responsible bf who sticks to his promise.

Friday, December 2, 2005 Y 8:48 AM

A number of eventful matters happened this week.

Started on Wednesday when I went to carry out a shower assessment with a patient with dementia. This could be probably the 1st time I did a shower assessment and ended up getting wet myself! ): I din know whether he is showering himself or he was showering me.

Then I got to know of a meeting that was gg to happened on Wed eve on Tues eve, so I had to cancelled my date with Azi.

Followed by him cancelling 3 meetings in a row.

Well at least 2 gud things happened.

I got to meet Denise and watched Prime. A really comical show. Uma Thurman is really pretty and Meryl Streep was really funny!

I also got my accessories from PinkMeadows! Wooh!!! They are so prettie looking!! I can't wait to wear them tmr.

Oh yesh, and I heard a really amazing and awaited long news from dear Xiaowen! =)

Yesterday nite was really intense and terrible. Feelings were drowned in the sea...lodge deep inside the seabed. Feeling like as if it's a bottomless pit now.


Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
But today is a gift

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"the present."

Prettiesnow XiaoXue

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman

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