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Wednesday, March 8, 2006 Y 5:21 AM

Saw this article in Female Mag today and tot it was pretty interesting.

Why Do You Keep Attracting the Wrong Men?

"Why do I find myself attracted to the wrong person? Why do I seem to find the same kind of relationship over and over again? When I get rid of one unsuitable partner, I find I'm off again, dating the next person whom I'd swear is a clone of the first one"

If this sounds like you, you're not alone. There are real reasons for being attracted to the wrong person. We're either attracted to partners with common characteristics to our own (homogamy) or people who are very different from us (heterogamy). "The worst reason to date anyone, and one of the biggest reasons relationships fail, is to expect your partner to make our lives complete - something that we alone can do".

And when it comes to failed relationships, there are five relationship attracttions that inevitably have problems. Although things may worked at the surface, these problem pairs also have the highest break up rate. "When the system within a relationship changes, it no longer works".

"The answer is to avoid these relationships in the first place or get out of it if you're in one. Reaslise that there are some self esteem issues you will need to work on to stop yourself being attracted to the wrong relationship in the first place". Free yourself up so that when the right relationship comes along - one in which there is an equal amount of sharing and carying and one in which there is mutual respect and freedom to express yourselves - you'll be ready and available to go into it.

Problem Match #1: "Me Tarzan, You Jane"
The Tarzan is often the responsible, a good achiever, and someone who works hard at being strong. He despises weaknesses in others and himself. Jane becomes a sweet, passive person so that she won't be rejected by anyone.
Tarzan masks the inferiority he feels by surrounding himself with people who are more inferior to him. He thus chooses a woman who adores him. But although he feels superior, he actually detests her. The paradox is that she needs to be strong enough not to be disparaging and weak enough to be threaten by him.
Once he gets bored with her passivity, he's likely to go off and have and affair and start all over again with someone else. Intimacy is impossible. "Change usually occurs only when Jane gets out of the relationship and finds out she's not so bad and he's not so hot".

Problem Match #2: "Role Reversal"
She is strong and dominant and often makes money in the household. He is agreeable to everything, while she is frustrated. Sex, very often, is plain bad.
"The reason a woman turns out likes this, is due to mixed messages she received about her feminity as a child, often from her father. He might have teased her on her developing body or let his hands wander when he touched her. She grows up wanting to be a man she can feel safe with and she ends up marrying a wimp because a mature man would challenge her feminitiy. She will almost nv be orgasmic because that would means she'd have to trust, and she's not afraid of that. On the other hands, when he husband falls apart, she is there to hold him up. She can be the strong one."

Problem Match #3: "The Reclamation Project"
The reclamation project is the type of relationship where one partner, often the woman, falls for someone in need of help, whether it's an alcoholic, drug user or abusive partner. She often ends up making excuses for her partner who, under his boyish charm, is just a disturbed little boy who never grow up. He has potential and she will bring out the best in him, she tells herself.
Feeling needed is good for her self esteem and she imagines he'll be grateful that he'll stay. And even if she doesn't admit it, she enjoys being superior to him. But this relationship falls apart when she realises she can't change him and if she doesn't leaves him, she'll end up frustrated and depressed.

Problem Match #4: "Squabbling Kids"
The relationship appears to be that of two children who have gotten married and are playing house. Each wants the other to accep them, but they both have the same needs. The relationship is fraught with terrible jealousy, severe dependency, and lots of "gimme, gimme" characteristics (he needs lots of toys, like cars, gadgets, and a host of friends; she is the same with material possessions and her own set of friends). Each wants to be recognised as an adult without the responsibilit of being grown up, but the relationship falls apart because both are too needy and unable to satisfy the other's needs.

Problem Match #5: "The Detached/Demanding Relationship"
This is the single most dysfunctional relationship. He's detached and she's demanding. He is unemotional and dull, but dependable and always there, while she is sociable, efferverscent and people love her. She neds to attract attention and stay the centre of attention.
The problem here is that her display of emotion and her social skills are really saying "please love me, don't ignore me. But he sees her sociability and thinks she'll will require little from him. The more he doesn't give her a response, the more it drives her crazy and the more it drives her crazy, the more he retreats into his shell. She ends up getting the attention she craves outside the relationship.

No More Dysfunctional Relationships!
1. Make a list of all the traits - loving? attentive? funny? - you'd like your ideal partner to possess
2. Write the sort of relationship you wish to have and, more importantly, believe you deserve
3. Identify the sort of dysfunctional relationship you keep finding yourself in with each new guy. Were they all emotionally distant? Did they talk down to you?
4. How and why do you keep landing the same type of guy? are you emotionally needy? Too demanding? Identify aspects of your behaviour, habits and/or personality you'd like to change
5. Work on addressing any self-esteem or emotional issues you might have. Only then can you break that dysfunctional-relationship pattern once and for all.

Time for self reflection then =). I did become smarter that I learn to identify people whom I want to go out with and reject ppl whom I dun want to.


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